Fists With Your Toes

Oh, I'm King of the Trees, I'm the Tree Meister! I Count on Them

Why wasn't I informed of this video until now? It's like three generations old in internet time. You guys have been holding out on me. I didn't see it until Friday, when it made me laugh so hard I got the best ab workout in months. The thing is best enjoyed with little introduction... as the animated audio recording of some Long Island guido on acid.

Not my chair, not my problem.

The leads are weak?! The LEADS are WEAK?! YOU'RE WEAK

But I fixed it!

The Mother of All Awkward Pauses

On this night exactly ten years ago, I sneaked into the MTV video music awards show at the Metropolitan Opera and interrupted the Backstreet Boys to share this vital message to the world. It was all downhill from there, and the world did not listen. They laughed me off as a Soy Bomb wannabe, and look where we are today. Will your appendix be next? But it is not too late world! Wake up at three! 

Read the whole story here on the be less stoopid Awl. 

"Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining-room table."

Wow, it's so refreshing when a politician just calls a spade a spade. Go, Barney! Don't take any guff from these swine.

Two Weeks

Holy smokes this Grizzly Bear video is OUTSTANDING. Bummer I'm going to miss their East River Park show because of vacation, but everyone should have my problems.

Why Does JDS Hate Old People?

Is it because they're a drag on the economy? Because they kept Murder, She Wrote on the air for so many years? Because they waste all their dwindling time on the internets? Because of Werther's Originals? No, it's because they dare to act in plays. He'd just as soon have all actors over 50 sent to Obamacare death panels. Cancel my subscription, Gothamite!

Five Year Old Shot a Man in Reno Just to Watch Him Die

Bonnaruuuuce!

I wrote about Bonnaroo for "the gothamite," as my dad likes to call it, so read all about it there. It was an unmitigated blast-aroo; here are some of my favorite photos that didn't make the cut. For the completist, the full set is on Flickr here. The top photo here depicts John Oliver fouling out in whiffle ball, with Rob Riggle catching and the hilarious Rory Albanese pitching. All three killed in the Comedy Tent, as a matter of fact.

As In All Things, I Blame Nic Cage

Good grief, it was such a gorgeous morning after a night of rain and I came out of my apartment to discover two disturbing things: Signs announcing that the accursed Nic Cage abomination Sorcerer's Apprentice would be shooting on my block, and my rear bike wheel totally destroyed. Coincidence? This production is starting to rival the Exorcist for accidents and bad karma, and since I hardly need any additional reason to bash Nic Cage, I'm holding him personally responsible. Thanks a lot asshole. You owe me $70. Happy Bike to Work Day.

Lipstick on Condi

Reporters students actually grill Condi on torture.

More here.
Via Daily Dish

Why so SERIOUS?

There are some stellar Easter photos here. 

Saw Adventureland this weekend and really liked it! Terrifically acted and dramatically understated with minimal formulaic "indie" quirk. But wow, there were some shitty previews before that movie. There's this new Matthew McConaughey movie come atcha where he has to confront the ghosts of all the women he ever hooked up with in order to find true love. Yeah. It's called Ghosts of Girlfriends Past or some shit and it's as revolting as it sounds. Then there's a movie All About Steve with Sandra Bullock where she plays an overbearing Canadian executive working in America who marries her assistant, Ryan Renolds, to get citizenship. Of course, they find true love and get naked along the way. The only way I got through those horrific two minutes without kicking someone in the teeth was by laughing as loudly and sarcastically as possible at every fatuous Hollywood joke the paint-by-numbers movie committee crammed in. What a miserable piece of shit. Then there was a preview for a History Channel series about what Earth will be like WHEN the human species is extinct. Which was inspiring because at least no more McConaughey rom-coms. Anyway, you've got to go through hell before you get to heaven, i.e., Terminator Salvation. Oh hell YES.

We got there twenty minutes early to secure quality seats, settling onan aisle pair in front of a couple who seemed civilized, and the guy told us he found $5 on the floor before the movie, which reminded me of the time I found a Ben Franklin under a seat at the Pavilion on Park Slope before a screening of Kingdom of Heaven. I left about a minute into that because a guy behind me apparently decided the best cure for his hacking cough was to take in a motion picture. But I didn't mind, especially since I convinced the manger to give me a refund, turning a pure net profit of 100 bones without a cent going to Orlando Bloom. The best fucking night of my life.

Silence of the Lambs: The Lego Musical

This is kind of fucked up, or, rather, that scene is very fucked up, so I've been kind of laughing and feeling uncomfortable when I watch this. But despite the disturbing subject matter, who doesn't love a little, "Put the fucking lotion in the basket!" riff? Whatever keeps me off the streets. [Via BuzzFeed.]

I'm Going to Have to Slap Winter with a Restraining Order

Happy first day of Spring! Aaaaand it's snowing. Is it just me, or has this been the longest, most irritating winter in recent memory? Winter, you need to call up Tyrone and come get your shit. Move ON. It'll be okay; you'll find another hemisphere out there. But this thing where you leave and come back and leave and come back isn't charming. It's STALKING.

Recent Happenings

Last week I saw Leave Her to Heaven, a seriously twisted movie from 1945 starring Brooklyn's own Gene Tierney (not pictured) as a well-bred newlywed whose infatuation with her author husband (Cornel Wilde) devolves into obsession and murder. It was one of the first films shot in Technicolor, and it was great to see it on a big(ish) screen at Film Forum. Tierney's lips are so red in this you could see them with your eyes closed. Sometimes lavishly stylized fake-looking movies are more fun than the customary, hyper-naturalistic contemporary aesthetic, I posit. Directed by John Stahl, this won the Oscar for Best Cinematography.

Over the weekend, I saw clowns riding bikes to liberate the city's bike lanes from vehicular oppression.

Tonight, in a spectacular example of poor planning, I'm off to Times Square to see the new revival of West Side Story. As you know, it's St. Paddy's Day. This can not end well.

This Is How My Coworkers Are Making Me Fat, II

Was it insensitive of me to take a photo of myself flipping off the cupcakes my coworker brought into the office? As I was taking the photo, he said, "You can't flip off cupcakes that were made for a one-year-old's birthday party!" Really? It don't matter to Jesus. Bring that one-year-old in here and I'll give her the bird right to her face; I've seen what size diapers she wears and she doesn't need to be eating cupcakes either. And you know what? The guy got the message: This morning he said he was considering bringing green bagels, but reconsidered because he's "learned his lesson." That's right. Nobody eats anything until I'm in shape for Speedo season.

Now Co-Workers Clearly Fattening Me Up So They Can Eat Me

One of them brought in these cookies today, which his wife and son made. He said they're not fantastic, but I'm like, "They're still COOKIES." And they're made with M&Ms. FAIL YOU! I held out for about 15 minutes, then ate one. Now that the bag is empty, someone else has helpfully replaced them with a bag of sesame-honey-cashew things. They're harmless, right? And on the heels of that, someone else asked, "Brownies, anyone?"

Now I just caught one of them "surreptitiously" measuring me to see if I can fit into the office microwave.

Done and Done

I think the economy is quite capable of fucking itself, thank you! Related: Viridian going bankrupt before it can even open. Can I get a HA-HA up in this beatch?

Also too, Snuggie pub crawl anyone? Do I even HAVE TO ASK!?

Oh, and everyone's atwitter about tumblr censoring people today. And by everyone, like a dozen nerds. Personally, I've never cottened to any of this tumblr business, because it's like the same five people copying and pasting their oh-so-clever instant message conversations, all up into each other because they're ahead of some irrelevant tech curve. Plus, Typepad lets me mock Julia Allison as often as I want. Sure, it's a privilege I have yet to take advantage of, but isn't it nice to know I could? Like knowing the Metropolitan Museum of Art is there, just a subway ride away.

"We. Don't. Know."

"Somebody threw us into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean without a life raft and we're trying to determine what's the closest shore and whether there's any chance in the world to swim that far. We. Don't. Know." -- Rep. Paul Kanjorski

Did you know that the entire world economic system almost collapsed completely within a couple of hours last September, which would have resulted in martial law and the end of "our political system as we know it"? Not that anyone in Congress bothered to tell us about it, until now.

Here's Rep. Paul Kanjorski providing a sobering account of what went down that morning when, in a span of 2 hours, $550 billion was drawn out of money market accounts in an electronic run on the banks. The fun starts about 2 minutes in.

And nothing's really changed since, he says, except for increasingly devalued currency being printed and thrown at the problem.

My Blog is My Complaints Department

Also too, it is Friday and I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED MY MOTHERFUNNING NEW YORKER! And this is the issue with an old-timey portrait of President Obama on the cover. Don't make me sic my girlfriend on you again, New Yorker subscription call center! I've just about had it with you, I swear.

(That ought to do the trick; last time I bitched about this I started getting my New Yorker on TUESDAY, miracle of miracles. Not that I have any time to actually read the thing; I just like the cartoons.)

Will the Last One Fired Please Knock Over the Rolled Up Posters?